"I'm in repair. I'm not together, but I'm getting there."
-John Mayer

The thing I found the most surprising, is how easy it was to slip into the murky, darkness of depression. The everlasting gray mood that hung over me -- never too sad, or too happy, sometimes all I felt was ache. It wasn't hard to stay there. In fact, it was the easiest part, to slowly slip further into the Gray until I suddenly couldn't find myself anymore.

During that time, all I was or all I ever would be, it seems, was the the dull ache of depression.

It doesn't matter that it hurts, because it's there consuming me. I didn't have to search for it, because it was there, fading the color from everything that once felt so vibrant and full of life.

This is what it feels like to be depressed. I lost someone I love to cancer, another loved one fell apart and ended up careening with street life -- wandering the streets in search of anything to numb their pain. I mourned both of them so deeply, I ultimately stopped feeling altogether, except for bouts of astronomical worry and fear.

Sometimes I thought to myself, "It's ok, this is me now. I can learn to like this." And I wasn't surprised when I did.

Then for a few days, out of nowhere, I didn't feel crappy. It felt so wonderful, that I couldn't bear the Gray when it came back. Suddenly the pain hurt so much I couldn't take it, and every day was so hard I felt like I was fighting just to get through the next few hours.

Something had to give. I began to work toward healing. I'm still working every day toward becoming a stronger, healthier me again. The work to fix depression and heal is challenging and painful and can be a very long process. 

Today, I'm thankful for the good days. The good days that seem to increase in number, lately. It has not been easy work to try to restore what I lost, and to repair what broke within me. In fact, it is one of the most painful things I've endured. Today, I consider myself grateful. Grateful for the trust I have in myself. Knowing that even when it's hard, I will try. Then, little by little, the light comes in until I feel the pieces of my shattered heart reconnecting. Today, I feel joy. Today, some pieces are glued back together that have been strewn about for a few years. 

If you have been struggling, don't give up. Movement keeps you alive. Keep pushing through it. It won't always hurt this bad and one day you will look around you and see light and vibrance where there used to be only the Gray. 

And, to go along with the quote up above, here's John Mayer's song. 

With the super warm autumn season we've had here this year, my garden has been carrying on well into November! My veggie plants gave out with the cool nights, but my flowers have been in heaven. 

Nasturtium, roses, morning glories, clematis, strawberries, and all the greenery, held on long until our first snow the week before Thanksgiving. I love having my plants around for longer than expected. 

Photos are of my pink shrub rose growing in a pot on my cement patio. 

Last week we got our first winter storm. We've had a few cold days here and there, but overall this autumn has been really warm. Just 24 hours before our storm hit with full force, it was 70 degrees. Within 24 hours it had dropped to the 40's, and the wind was howling ferociously. I sat inside snuggled up with a fresh pot of homemade chicken noodle soup (recipe to come soon!), and some Grey's Anatomy (my guilty pleasure). Our windows rattled, and a flower pot from my porch was stolen by the wind. All night long it howled and rattled everything, and was even doing so in the morning. The temperature dropped to freezing, and a little snow fell. Not much, though, for all that racket. 

The next day I took some pictures in the garden, by the time I got out there most of the snow was gone. It's always interesting to see flowers with snow on them. Usually my flowers give out before our first snow hits, but the weather has been so perfect they've just been plugging along almost to the holidays. 

It's quite unusual to have a warm winter here. We usually have a guaranteed freeze from November to March, sometimes, even into May. I welcome the winter, though. The summer is unbearable if our winters are mellow. Bring on the snow, Mother Nature, we can take it!

Statistics now show that one in six people will suffer from a mental illness each year in the United States. Yet, we still have a stigma toward it.  It's everywhere. So, why are we so scared to be open about it? Having a mental illness doesn't mean you've gone insane. The majority of people with mental illnesses are just normal people that you would never know have something going on. Take a look around at the people you're with everyday. In an office of 50? That means almost ten of you are dealing with it right now. Got 5 friends? One of you is suffering.

The most common mental illnesses people face are anxiety and depression -- both of these come on for lots of reasons, some being grief, acute stress, loss, other health issues, or just because for no reason other than they're short on the chemicals they need to keep these issues at bay. 

Since I happen to have experienced both anxiety and depression several times in my life, and pretty steadily over the past two years, I'm going to discuss a little bit about what I've gone through and how I'm getting myself back to healthy. 

Before we dive in to all the super serious details, let's just have a good laugh. I really think I should've sent this to my husband after we got engaged. 

+ worry + vertigo + stiff neck and shoulder muscles + severe and debilitating tension headaches + hot flashes + nausea + lack of appetite + IBS

+ chewing the insides of my mouth + panic attacks (these are new as of last year) + tightness in my chest + shortness of breath + trembling muscles + numb hands and feet + heart flutters + early waking

(Note: I don't experience these all the time, usually. When my anxiety is managed, I rarely have any of these symptoms, except that damn mouth chewing thing... it's been a nasty habit since I was 10.)

I am not afraid of people, or places, or experiences. I want to participate in every thing. However, I have to miss a lot when it's out of control. And that is because it is damn near impossible to hold a conversation with someone when your muscles are jittery, you can't breathe, and you're unable to keep your balance. In those moments, all I can think of is, "ABORT! ABORT!" and I have to go home to freak out in peace.

+ forgetting to shower + constant tiredness + low energy + inability to motivate myself to do anything

+ apathy + major lethargy + a general feeling of unwell + ability to watch Netflix for an entire day straight

Crying all the time. That is just sadness, and grief. When I cried all the time it was right after my mom's death. That eventually subsided to an apathetic feeling which was how my depression started.

Because I was exhausted, and sick all the time from both the anxiety and depression, I spent every day sitting at my desk at work, then laying on my couch at home. I didn't exercise much. My muscle strength deteriorated. My energy was virtually non-existent, and my immune system was the same. Acute stress caused by prolonged anxiety and depression kills your ability to fight off illness. It also gives you fake illnesses like colds that aren't colds, or fevers for no reason. My body hurts all the time. My neck is weak. My heart flutters regularly. I am dizzy at least once a day. 

I've done my research and visited doctors and found that you can actually keep your system on overdrive for so long that it wears out your adrenals. You do not make enough chemicals to help you cope anymore. In fact, it will just continue to send the stress response all the time -- which makes you sicker and sicker, which is what has been happening to me and why it was so crippling. 

In the past, I just exercised, used essential oils, and took a Xanax if I had a really bad day. I also took birth control for seven years to help with the regulation of my hormones.  I wrote about my other previous methods that helped, here.

Recently though, as of early June, my depression and anxiety were getting really bad. The symptoms were seriously effecting almost every day. So, I tried SSRIs. I couldn't handle them, and almost ended up in the hospital. They were just too strong for me. 

Now, I take Dr. Christopher's MindTrac instead.  It's an herbal supplement that is a combination of several all natural herbs for depression, anxiety and energy. Luckily for me, I'm a lightweight and respond well to herbal remedies. It might not work for everyone. In fact, SSRIs work really well for a lot of people, so if you have something that's working, don't worry about trying this.

(Note: Talk to your doctor before taking it, especially if you are already prescribed something else. It can have bad interactions with certain medicines, and/or you may need to taper down whatever you're taking.)

I have been able to maintain regular amounts of energy, which allowed me to start a workout program. My muscle tone is starting to come back, and I can already tell my body is getting stronger. It helps me stay motivated by getting rid of my depression symptoms. When I'm tired, I can still get things done. When I'm sick, I can still get things done... as I'm doing this blog post right now after being up all night with the stomach flu (curse you dirty gym weights!)  My muscle jitters stopped almost instantly after beginning the herbal supplements. My digestion improved almost immediately. 

These supplements aren't a cure-all. I still get anxious, but I don't get crippling anxiety. I have had a few bad days here and there, but a few compared to every day, I'd say that's remarkable improvement! It is allowing me to regain my life enough that I can tackle the things I need to in order to create healthy habits that will get me back to homeostasis. 

I also found a great therapist years ago that I go to regularly when I need her. 

It's ok to admit you're a little bit broken. Just because you fell apart doesn't mean you can't be fixed. Just because you broke under the weight of hardship doesn't mean you're weak, and it certainly doesn't mean you're crazy. We all will have to go through things that will test our strength beyond all capacity and beyond all of our own abilities. It's a learning process, and it doesn't make you weaker than others. It makes you human, and the liver of your life. Be good to yourself, forgive yourself for struggling, and accept all of it as part of your beautiful unique story, and then go out and do the work to heal yourself. Talk to a doctor, therapist, and research all natural methods. Do what you have to do to make your life easier to live. Mental illness is an illness, and in a lot of cases, a very treatable one. 

I still have a very long way to go. My body is in such disrepair that it's going to take at least six months to a year of regular exercise and healthy habits before I'm feeling super great again, but, every time I drag my butt to the gym, and take my supplements, I feel proud knowing that the work I do now, is helping me to heal my brokenness. I am in control, even if I don't feel like I am completely there yet. 

I hope whatever journey you are on, you're able to find ways to get through it, and on top of it.

Thank you for reading this far, and thank you for reading my blog! I expect more posts to be coming soon, now that I am starting to be on the mend.