Wednesday, November 30, 2016

On Depression and Healing

"I'm in repair. I'm not together, but I'm getting there."
-John Mayer

The thing I found the most surprising, is how easy it was to slip into the murky, darkness of depression. The everlasting gray mood that hung over me -- never too sad, or too happy, sometimes all I felt was ache. It wasn't hard to stay there. In fact, it was the easiest part, to slowly slip further into the Gray until I suddenly couldn't find myself anymore.

During that time, all I was or all I ever would be, it seems, was the the dull ache of depression.

It doesn't matter that it hurts, because it's there consuming me. I didn't have to search for it, because it was there, fading the color from everything that once felt so vibrant and full of life.

This is what it feels like to be depressed. I lost someone I love to cancer, another loved one fell apart and ended up careening with street life -- wandering the streets in search of anything to numb their pain. I mourned both of them so deeply, I ultimately stopped feeling altogether, except for bouts of astronomical worry and fear.

Sometimes I thought to myself, "It's ok, this is me now. I can learn to like this." And I wasn't surprised when I did.

Then for a few days, out of nowhere, I didn't feel crappy. It felt so wonderful, that I couldn't bear the Gray when it came back. Suddenly the pain hurt so much I couldn't take it, and every day was so hard I felt like I was fighting just to get through the next few hours.

Something had to give. I began to work toward healing. I'm still working every day toward becoming a stronger, healthier me again. The work to fix depression and heal is challenging and painful and can be a very long process. 

Today, I'm thankful for the good days. The good days that seem to increase in number, lately. It has not been easy work to try to restore what I lost, and to repair what broke within me. In fact, it is one of the most painful things I've endured. Today, I consider myself grateful. Grateful for the trust I have in myself. Knowing that even when it's hard, I will try. Then, little by little, the light comes in until I feel the pieces of my shattered heart reconnecting. Today, I feel joy. Today, some pieces are glued back together that have been strewn about for a few years. 

If you have been struggling, don't give up. Movement keeps you alive. Keep pushing through it. It won't always hurt this bad and one day you will look around you and see light and vibrance where there used to be only the Gray. 

And, to go along with the quote up above, here's John Mayer's song. 

++ Feel free to share your thoughts or comments below.

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  1. Thank you for sharing your experience here and let peoplr know that there is still a hope to come out of there problems. A lot of times in one's existence we may feel depression with anxiety based mostly on an event which has occurred in the past, such as a death or trauma. It can only be resolved by talking to someone who has knowledge in dealing with it. Like consulting professional tarot card readers or psychic like Voyance Pure( They have abilities gifted by god. They can see our past as well as future. So if there is something that is hampering our present because of our past, they can tell what to do to come out of those problems.


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