Journal Entry - April 15, 2015
Yesterday I was driving to work and feeling pitiful. I had just met with a doctor and gotten a prescription for medicine I never thought I'd need to get through day-to-day life. I was feeling pitiful because I know that I've become a version of myself that brings my husband down, and makes him crave time away from me. And I was feeling pitiful that I couldn't just fight back against the demons that are trying to pull me down. I'd done it before, why was this time impossible?
I pulled up to Einstein's to grab my breakfast before going to work, and a random U2 song came on that I've never heard called Cedarwood Road. It was about to end and a loud and clear a lyric stood out to me, "Every heart that is broken, is a heart that is open." I just sat there for a minute thinking about that lyric, and memorizing it.
Even though this year and the previous one have dragged me to hell, my heart hasn't closed off. I am still vulnerable and open.
Thank God for miracles.
It's been a month since I wrote that. I have to say, my mood is improving with help from the remedies my doctor prescribed, the warm weather coming, lots of time gardening, and just the plain old passing of time. I wrote that the week of my mom's death anniversary. For two months prior, I was going deeper and deeper into anxiety and depression, and it frightened me. I could feel myself losing the ability to fight against it. The past month has given me a renewal. Thank God for miracles, indeed.