Monday, January 8, 2018

Dear 2017 - A Thank You Letter

Dear 2017,

I would like to write this letter to say Thank You. You see, your friends, 2013-2016, were the worst years of my life to date. But, you came in gently, and showed me that I could be me again. You reminded me that I was strong, that I could regain my health, and that all the activities I used to love could happen again without panic attacks in the middle of them. 

 Feeling peace...ommmmmmmmmmmmm.

You showed me that I was strong enough to do the hard things I needed to do to improve my life. You showed me that it was ok to cry over them, and that I wouldn't backslide into depression, even as I grieved another hard loss. You showed me that I could succeed in a new role at work, and trust myself to be in charge of my successes.

You allowed me the peace of heart and mind so that I could dream again. The past few years were like I had died, or like I was a plant in the dead of winter -- asleep, trying not to die, while I held on for dear life to the faint memory of days in the sun. You, instead, were that spring, when I burst alive again, a little fragile because I'm new, but gaining in size and strength as the days went on. 

Big changes occurred rapidly, and as I became free from the chains, pains and aches of the years before, I could see myself clearly for the first time in years. Actually, you helped me see the new me. The new version of me that was born in the ashes of who I was before all the pain burned me to the ground. 

As I get to know her -- I still am learning who she is -- I've fallen in love with her. It's like this new girl has reverted to the person she was before the world got to her, back when she was perfect as she was. The girl who used to dream and create and feel and live before the world told her she was ugly or dreaming wrong or living wrong. 

And, the best part is? I think she's the most beautiful me I've ever seen. If only I'd recognized her all those years ago. 

I never wanted to endure what I have. I would've liked my mom to never die, but the girl who was born in the wake of all that, is someone I very much never want to lose. 

So, 2017, with all the gratitude I can muster, and the biggest possible hug I can ever do...

Bring on 2018. 

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