Recently, I found out someone I went to high school with died of random heart failure while pregnant, and the baby didn't make it either. She was 33. It was the day after her birthday that she left this life. Her husband is now left to pick up the pieces and help his 3 young children through the loss of their mom, and their baby sister they were anxiously waiting to meet.
I know, her death isn't about me, and she has loved ones feeling the beginnings of the worst feelings in the world. Grief is an ugly monster, and since I know too much about it, my heart is broken for the people she left behind. If I could spare anyone from the torment of grief, I would.
When my mom got terminal cancer, and died, I felt completely naked. Like, at any minute something could kill me or wreck life as I knew it. I was scared, and felt that no matter where I went, I couldn't get safe. That feeling lasted for 3 years, and finally left me a few months ago. A situation for which I am completely and utterly grateful. Visualizing your own tragic death in a plethora of gory ways is absolutely the worst, and to be able to not do that much anymore, is sweet relief.
Tonight, after finding out about this girl's sudden death, I am reminded that life is all too easily taken from us. I knew this girl, not super well, but we weren't complete strangers even as adults. She was kind, and devoted to her family, and her death is a shock to those that knew her well. It's also a shock to me. You don't expect to see people like that die young. You expect to see them surrounded by their 50 grandchildren at 92.
Once again, I can't shake this feeling, this feeling that at any time I could die for any reason at all. I hate this feeling. I hate knowing that my time here is limited. I love too many people, and I love too much of this world.
I know that as time passes, I'll feel a little more impervious to the bullets of life, but this naked feeling, this turtle without a shell feeling that I carry with me... let's just say, I'll be hugging my husband a little tighter whenever we part.
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