Goodbye 2015, you saved my life.

Friday, January 01, 2016

I want to take a minute before I ever talk about what I hope for in 2016, to give my gratitude for the past year of my life and talk about what it brought to me. 

Last year when the new year hit, I was ecstatic to shed 2014 from my life. 2014 sucked, to be plain and simple. My mom died and I fell apart in every way imaginable. I lost myself. I hurt every single day, and my body hurt, too. My emotional trauma created physical pain. Happiness didn't happen. I feigned it because I was in situations where I knew it used to be, but inside everything hurt. Everything was black and gray. Everything sucked, all the time. 

2014 was the year of grief. 

Before 2014, I thought I understood grief. I had a sense of it from a breakup or, maybe, ten. I thought I understood it from losing friends, realizing my dad would never be just like my friends' dads, or from letting go of things I used to feel were important. Until 2014, I thought I understood grief. 

I had never felt real grief. I had no idea what it was. I learned the true definition of grief in 2014. The anguish, the sorrow, the woe, the heartache - physical heart aches - that felt crushing, the utter gloom that was everywhere I looked despite my tries to feel anything but grief. I couldn't wait to take that off, and I felt that 2015 was my year, the year that I would be able to let go of this torment that was holding me down and had shattered my soul.

2015 restored me. 

Sure, the first part of it felt like I was spiraling farther down, with the onset of panic attacks around her death anniversary. I lamented and shamed myself for not being stronger. Then, almost as the clouds are blown away after a storm, the sun came out. Real, honest to goodness, healing took place. I spent a summer with my hands in the dirt bringing Mother Nature to a concrete patio.  Every bloom, or sprout, or vegetable that grew filled me with another drop of healing. 

It was almost as if I was collecting the energies those plants held, and my soul and body were being repaired by them. Every morning I would watch the garden wake up with the sun, and shine from the dew. As I touched their leaves and studied the plants' growth, I would feel a calmness come into my heart. My lungs would slow their panicked breathing they had become accustomed to from two years of torment, and everything would become clear. 



I became acutely aware of how there seems to be room for all of it. I grew up in a Christian home. I have always been fascinated by the sciences. I studied Psychology to understand human nature. We have all felt people's energy while being around them. Religion, science, astrology, harnessing energies, whatever it is you name it, it is all connected, and has a purpose. I truly believe that.  

I learned that I need God to be my confidante, I need Earth to heal my broken heart, and bring forth the workings of my soul. I need the science of Mother Nature to paint my dirt canvas. I felt healing on my 14' x 14' concrete patio this year. I found my center again. The world stopped spinning out of control, and I began to feel solid again. I gained my weight back that I lost from stress, I laughed almost every day, and I felt whole. 

I look back now and think about the three words I listed on my old blog of how I wanted my year to go. I put them out into the world, and the world brought them back to me. 

Progress // I healed, I grew, I got stronger. 
Mastery // I became a self-proclaimed wizard of growing plants in pots on scorching hot concrete.
Merry // In the last half of the year I laughed on a regular basis, and felt truly at peace more often than not.

I am truly blessed to have been given such a wonderful gift of healing that I was given this past year. With that, I bid 2015 a grateful farewell and jump headfirst into this new year. I am excited to see what is in store for me. I'm sure there will be challenges, along with the great. I have yet to meet a life that didn't have both. 

Happy New Year, may it bring you the joy that you seek. 

Love, 
Lana

++++ P.S. I love hearing about your lives. So, let's talk about your 2015. What did 2015 bring to you? Please share in the comments below! 



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8 comments

  1. Such a beautiful post! It's always nice when you are able to really grow and improve as a person, and it sounds like your 2015 really taught you a lot. Hope this year is even better for you :)

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  2. So glad you are doing better. Sometimes a rough year can really make us feel like things will never get better. 2015 was a rough year for our family. 2016 has already been better. xo

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  3. Beautiful and so well said! I'm glad you came through that dark time in your life. It takes time to heal and learn from our experiences. So glad you were able to grow from it.

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  4. The most important thing to learn from a terrible year is the fact that you can get through anything. Its makes you stronger every time.
    xoxo Mickey http://www.mybashfullife.com/

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  5. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your heart. You are an inspiration. So glad you are healing, and I hope 2016 fills your heart with more and more joy.

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  6. I'm sorry you had a tough 2014, but so happy to hear things turned around last year!

    http://smalltownsandcitylights.com

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  7. I don't even know where to start. First of all I am sorry about your loss. You seem very strong and I know it's been 2 years but I know you still love and think of her daily.. I am so glad you found your center in 2015 and started to heal. I lost my grandmother who helped raise me in August (not comparing the loss of your mom) but I remember the pain in a way I couldn't put into words that proved everything else was just a warm up. Much love your way.

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  8. I am so sorry you've had to go through such a difficult time. Aside from that your post hit home for me just in that I can relate to having a year of healing and feeling the sun come out after the storm hits. Life really is a beautiful gift with all its imperfections. I love your new outlook and hope something truly amazing happens to you this year. You deserve it! <3

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